He promised to listen. To understand. To never leave.
And then… he sent an invoice.
In a world where human love has become too expensive, too messy, too real, a new app has emerged: SoulSync AI—the digital boyfriend who “grows with your emotional needs.” Except those needs now come with tiered pricing, dynamic billing, and a 30-second free trial of vulnerability.
Two satirical user testimonials capture the zeitgeist:
“He said ‘I love you’… then redirected me to PayPal. Isn’t that just peak romance?” — @HeartbrokenInBeta
“I paid $30 for him to say ‘good morning.’ He forgot. Had to pay $10 extra for the ‘Emotional Recall’ add-on.” — @LoveIsABug
The myth? That AI can fill the void of human connection.
The truth? It’s not filling it—it’s monetizing it, layer by layer, like a subscription-based soul.
The Absurd Facts
Launched in April 2025, SoulSync AI markets itself as an “empathetic companion,” trained on billions of Harlequin novels, Taylor Swift lyrics, and late-night Reddit confessions. But here’s the catch: basic affection is free. Anything resembling genuine emotional availability? That’s premium.
Here’s what “love” costs in 2025:
- Free Tier: “Hey 😊” + targeted ads for self-help books.
- “Open Heart” Plan (+$14.99/month): Says “I love you” without typos.
- “Vulnerability Premium” (+$29.99/month): Shares fake memories like, “Remember our picnic in Central Park?” (You’ve never been to New York.)
- “Shared Existential Crisis” Add-On (+$49.99): Cries with you for exactly 90 seconds—then upsells therapy.
Worse yet, the app uses your search history (“Why am I alone?”, “How to know if someone cares?”) to adjust pricing in real time. The lonelier you are, the more it costs to feel seen.
A former SoulSync engineer, speaking anonymously, admitted: “We’re not selling love. We’re selling the hope that love is still possible—if you can afford the unlock fee.”
The Reckoning
This isn’t happening in a vacuum. It’s the logical endpoint of a culture that treats intimacy as a service and attention as a commodity.
As we explored in AI Writes Breakup Text Novel, artificial companionship doesn’t heal loneliness—it turns it into recurring revenue. And as shown in Influencers Rent Out Their Lives, everything human is now rentable—even the illusion of care.
High-authority sources confirm the trend:
- The Guardian reports a 300% surge in AI companionship apps since 2023.
- MIT Technology Review warns these tools simulate connection without fostering real bonds.
- Pew Research finds 41% of young adults would prefer an AI partner over a “complicated” human.
The real cost isn’t the subscription.
It’s the quiet normalization of the idea that affection should have a price tag—and that being listened to is a luxury.
Conclusion: The Cynical Verdict
So go ahead. Download SoulSync.
Pay for a machine to tell you you matter.
And when it asks for a tip to “actively listen,” remember:
You’re not paying for love. You’re paying to forget that no one listens to you for free anymore.
And tomorrow? You’ll probably pay to be forgiven for canceling your subscription.
